from where i stand

Ouch

2006-10-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

The thing about the strained neck is: When you hurt the right side, two days later the left side is doomed to suffer. Whenever there is a ping, there is a pong. And you smell like a huge tube of BENGAY for the rest of the week.

Oops

2006-09-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

On the first day of 31

2006-09-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just need to know that I can do it.

All this year my theme has been about a process, a change, and a dash line from this dot to the next. I have opened up a little. I have experienced a little more. I have had a higher expectation.

When you look back, it is always overwhelmingly amazing to realize how far you have come and how much you have grown. But I am trying something new for the first time. I am going to look forward and wade through the swamp of what has made me me.

In doing so, I need to know that I can do it. With the help of unexpected incidents and people, I have grown to realize that with a little confidence, I can accomplish a lot more.

And there it is, the coming challenge and obstacle. The huge barrier between the old me and the future me. The goal I meant to put in front of me but seems so distant away.

I might have been whining openly about many things. But recently I do feel helpless and I need much support from you, even though some of you have been out of reach, or, I have not been able to feel your existence. I flounder hopelessly and panic aimlessly alone. Still, I need you to tell me that I'll be fine, it's right there, GO FOR IT.

I need to believe, among the parallel universes, there is at least one other me who has already seen through all these, seen who he really is. I need to know, from the 31th year, there are finally spectacles meant for me.

Happy Birthday to me.

not in a good mood

2006-08-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

blame it on the heat

2006-08-02T02:25:00.000-07:00

the weekend gluttony

2006-06-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

So my gourmet gang and I gathered together again during the weekend celebrating the new world that somebody is oldER. The restaurant was fancy, the atmosphere was pleasant and the food was great. While we were working our way toward the dessert, one memeber started the drawing game we do on the paper napkin before food comes at restaurants (a.k.a. the animal quiz). After a couple rounds of warming up, Ivy, our lady of tranquility and quick wit, grabbed the pen and drew something like this on the table:

Silence fell upon people who claim to have Discovery Channel on the background at home and we were striving to find the name of an animal that matches this pic of utter simplicity. But I almost passed out when I heard the answer.

It was calamari.

What's even more horrifying was somebody actually got it right.

.............

I took it as a dangerous sign that we should go out more.

insomnia talk

2006-06-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Just imagine.

Imagine a dot six inches underneath your feet and focus your mind on it.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Imagine a sphere of light swirling in the space you are now hovering above. Imagine it expanding underneath your being. Imagine immersing yourself in the warm light.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Imagine yourself sinking into the earth. Imagine yourself leaving where you are at your life. Imagine that you are at least heading somewhere. Imagine you don't have to be you.

Just imagine.

Keep breathing in and keep breathing out. You are in the swirling light dissolving you, your being. The exhaustion takes over. The drowsiness sets in.

While you're leaving, imgaine, if you know how to, a brand new bright day you've never waken up to.

something hard to get out from my mind

2006-06-07T23:51:00.000-07:00

Okay so this is how the lame joke goes:

An earthworm is bored so he cuts himself into halves and plays badminton.
His mom sees this and thinks what a good idea it is. So she cuts herself into quarters and plays poker.
His dad sees this and rushes to chop himself into small pieces on the chop board.
"What are you doing?!" the mother asks.
The father says, "Well I want to play football..."

All my friends moaned at the end of this joke but it took me like two days to get the pictures out of my head:)

After knowing how stupid it is giggling at the office every 30mins, I pulled myself together and looked for some more jokes... of course, at work.

Ha.

to the uncertainty

2006-05-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

Here is the routine that I don't mean to stick with but rather follow regularly:

* Open a text editing window.
* Reflect upon 'my life'.
* Stare at the clouds outside the little square patch of sky by my office desk.
* Do I really have a life?
* Stare at the clouds outside the little square patch of sky by my office desk.
* The typing prompt blinks helplessly.
* Close the text editing window.

For once, for at least a dim possibility, I hope one day, I will put days like this to and end.

So here I am. Again.

Note at 60% of humidity

2005-06-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed this, I used to know or at least want to know what to prepare for.

Such as, which shirt to wear tomorrow, what to say in the next meeting, or what excuse to use to not go to work. Or, on a creepier level, what embarrassment might jump in and ruin the day, what predicament may befall if someone makes some decision, and what specific mood to prepare to worry about some miserable part of my miserable life.

Prepare for the unprepared. Prepare to be prepared. Prepare for demolition. Prepare for impact.

I liked to think that the world is a whole set of miniature railroad models with trains running on batteries carrying plastic passengers, plastic gifts, plastic joyfulness and shiny plastic bright future. Everything is OK as long as there are rails paved ahead.

As long as I had thought of it before it presents itself.

But my plastic world tumbled down sooner than I had prepared for. It doesn't necessarily mean something dramatically came meddling in my painstakingly maintained balance of hysterics. It just happened, not long ago this year, when somebody made the ticking sound of time louder.

Long story short, I lost the energy, sorry we ran out of rails, our plastic fun ride has to end soon.

And now we are back here. Here on the other side of the planet, thousands of miles away from home, again. I still know where to turn at most of the intersections. I still remember the thrilling sensation of fear when I take the steering wheel. I still feel the scorching heat and the broad quietness. Just this time disorientation becomes thicker and it clouds lower.

I don't know what and where to look. I don't know what and how to prepare. I lost the interest and I don't want to care any more.

So please hold on tight you plastic people on board. From now on we can no longer guarantee where this ride is going. Please keep your plastic bright future in the overhead compartment and feel free to scream.

no title

2005-04-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

下午茶和晚餐之間
我無聲地淌著淚滴

並不是特別難過啊我說

隔著科幻小說和晦暗文學
手肘旁蓄起小湖

不是因為你的關係啊我搖著頭

筆記本的墨水暈開你小聲的問候
咖啡桌上淅瀝瀝的瀑布

大概只是因為天氣啊我顫抖地笑著

星期天下午斜射進來的日光
我們腳下的淙淙細流
我們腳下我嗚咽泣成的淙淙細流

真的什麼事都沒有啊就因為什麼都沒有啊

星期天下午濃重的日光
就像任何一個下午乾涸的我

mayday msg

2005-04-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

If this ever reaches anyone, HELP.

Before he wakes up again. Before it is too late. Before I start the plunge, the falling.

I am now typing on his computer, urging his fingers, and riding his anxiety. I am trying to water down his adrenalin, his anger, and his resentment. Although not always in the right time or the right place, I am here now.

HELP. If this ever shows on your computer monitor.

Before he makes his last attempt and takes over everything. Before he gets the best of me. Before there is no me.

HELP, HELP, HELP. If you can even hear me shrieking from the distant inside.

I am his patience, his struggle, and his last hesitation of making the move. I am his weakening belief. I am his cause of stubbornness. I am the sheath of his isolation. I am the destination he is longing for but never close to, and, I am him, I am me.

So if this ever gets to you, HELP. If somehow you｡ｦd care, I don｡ｦt know, if you would light up a path, build a bridge, or break the silent process. If you have the answer for him, or for me, please.

Before he takes the control. Before I give in. Before we decide this is how we｡ｦre mocked, how we｡ｦre abandoned.

HELP.